By Anonymous
Anonymous FBI sources have revealed a direct tie between the Democratic National Committee and Vladimir Putin. Allegedly, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz has been in close communication with Ivan Jacinovitch, Deputy Administrator of the Federal Security Service of the Russian Federation.
Russian sources believe Jacinovitch was receiving Paul Begala’s emails from Wassermaan-Schultz, who then dumped the emails to Wikileaks, who then dumped them on the American public.
Anonymous speculation is that a Begala-Wasserman-Schultz relationship soured and giving Begala’s emails to the Russians was Wasserman-Schultz’ way of retaliating against Begala.
Meanwhile, other anonymous sources, after crossing their hearts (and hope to die) have revealed Senator Chuck Schumer’s finances are a mess and ultra-socialist George Soros has been giving Schumer monthly checks. Schumer, taking a statesman like pose, denied the allegation, “You watch how I handle the federal budget.” The FBI is investigating the Schumer threat against the United States Government.
Further, our sources revealed that the Congressional Black Caucus is going to demand their own Congressional “safe space” to protect them from the pressure of the White Lives Matter group. A White Lives Matter spokesman, speaking on background, accused the Caucus of Black sports privilege.
The Hispanic Congressional Caucus, not to be outdone by the Black Congressional Caucus, also demanded its own safe space. Our sources told us that the Hispanic Congressional Caucus only wanted a small portion of Arizona and California.
Meanwhile, anonymous sources revealed that CNN, ABC, CBS and NBC, along with the New York Times, demanded that Sean Spicer be excluded from the next Press Secretary News conference. Our sources told us these organizations were tired of not being the exclusive elites anymore and were retaliating. These organizations flatly stated that if they don’t get their way, they would pick up their stubby pencils and notebooks and go home.
The Washington Post still has 2,230 reporters digging into Donald Trump’s background, according to sources. These reporters have not been able to find any dirt on Donald Trump, so they are going to make up some dirt. The Washington Post stated that making up dirt on Donald Trump is not fake news as the reporters are really making it up. Besides, continued a Washington Post spokesman, making stuff up is well within our journalistic guidelines and well within the First Amendment.
It has been revealed by anonymous sources that Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham have been attacking Donald Trump because their hands are smaller than his. Marco Rubio had no comment.
Nancy Pelosi, minority leader of House Democrats is planning to announce, according to our sources, creation of a Bias Action Team to counter Republican pro-Constitution statements. When questioned, Pelosi denied the allegation, saying, “I’m tired of the Constitution. It needs to be rewritten. Republicans are always throwing the Constitution in our faces.” Pelosi also stated the Declaration of Independence was “sheer rubbish,” to use her term.
FBI sources revealed that George Soros and Barack Obama are under investigation for the funding and orchestration of professional rioters at Republican events. The FBI sources say that Soros and Obama are attacking the very heart of our Republic: the peaceful transfer of power. Soros is funding a shadow government led by Obama with the intent of overthrowing the Trump administration. The FBI is trying to identify the leakers.
White House sources reveal the janitor that cleans the pressroom has complained about the filthy pigs that use the room. “All they do is trash the place,” the janitor complained. “There must be four inches of wadded gum under the seats. The AP is the worst.” The AP had no comment.
Propagandists and stenographers of the news media have declared war on President Trump, declaring him a threat to American liberties. According to sources, news media personnel believe it is their responsibility to be intolerant, post ugly descriptions and plant false news about the president; after all, they have first amendment rights too! According to a Pew Research Center poll, only 18% of respondents said the trust news organizations “a lot;” the propagandists and stenographers ignore the other 82%.